The Guest

I am nowhere close to a scholar to talk about Islamic issue, and I know I still have a long way to go to complete myself, but I've decided now to exclusively write things related to this spiritual search of mine rather than the usual ramblings I normally had. Hehe. 

The last time I went to Makkah in 2008, I was rather a little bit shaky with my faith of the whole religion thingy. Yeap, it was quite embarrassing to be having that kind of feelings when I was again invited to be a guest to that special place for the second time. No, I did not go astray, I was still an average practicing Muslimah, but my faith was rather a little bit shaky at that point of life. I was 22.

It was the time when this one book about comparative religion went famous. Can't really recall the title now. She, yes if I'm not mistaken the author was a she, discussed about all of the Abrahamic religions in one book. The author of course is a Christian. It wasn't really a religious book I think, more of a simple reading and I was once drawn to buy the book, but was afraid it would shake my faith more than it already was so I decided not to and just let my mind wander itself about this whole religion issue.

I went on for the Umrah with my parents, brother, uncle and aunt. Our umrah group with the agent was just us and another man who came alone. It was rather a small group, more like a private small umrah group. Usually people would have larger group where they traveled mostly by a huge bus, but there was just the 7 of us, traveling with a van.

When I think of it by now, I regretted for not having that whole hearted feeling when I was there, I could have taken that chance to really appreciate my time being so close to a sacred place, but I didn't think I did it whole heartedly. Alhamdulillah, I managed to perform umrah for 7 times throughout my stay there, but although I did that much it was rather more to following what my group did than having the utmost sincere faith of performing umrah.

Masjidil Haram consists of 2 roofed floors and one open aired floor back then during my first visit in 1999, and in 2008 they were constructing the 3rd floor for Sa'ie. I've never been on the 3rd floor of the mosque complex though because it was closed most of the time except for Hajj season or Ramadhan month. In 2008 was when the massive reconstruction was going on in order to increase the capacity of Masjidil Haraam to cater more pilgrimage at one time. Things have changed a lot since my first visit for sure. Back then in 1999 there were still a very significant slope and rocks to mark the Safa' and Marwah hills, but in 2008, the rocks were definitely gone, and there were just some slope with lots of signboards to ensure everyone follows their route correctly. The floor in 1999 at Sa'ie was hard marble tiles, but during my visit in 2008, the Sai'e area went  under construction so the floor was just a plain grey cement waiting to be finished. The second floor of Sa'ie was closed and the escalator area connecting the levels were dusty due to the construction. Even the Bab As-Salam was closed at that time due to the massive reconstruction of the whole surrounding area around Al-Haraam. Our hotel area and some souq back in 1999 were completely demolished to make room for the expanded Al-Haraam complex. A very surprising change would be the closing of Zamzam well entrance close to the floors of Kaabah. I used to visit the well area a lot back then, although I can't really see the well from the female area but I kept on coming back to perform my wudhu' in a closed area and to have a sip of the refreshing Zamzam water straight from the well. I guess things changed a lot after 9 years.

In one of the days where we decided not to perform umrah, I did tawaf sunat after Fajr prayer at the second floor of the mosque. I tried to keep my shoulder so that it would be aligned with Kaabah but my eyes were looking at that huge velvety black cloth covered box shaped structure we called our Qiblah. At that time, I was still having that shaky faith of mine. I tried to fight with that negative feelings I had and I tried to concentrate, but the thoughts still mingled in my mind while doing tawaf after I've finished reciting all of the du'as. My thoughts were, what if, when I die one day, things that I thought were the truth, isn't really the truth after all? Why is it that we have this common Abrahamic religion, we had almost similar stories in our books, in our histories, but why did we all went separate ways? Those practising Christians might think they were the right religion, so as the Jews. Is this really the right religion? Is the God of my religion the one I should commit to? What if religion overall is just something made up? Is there really a God out there? Why are we having all these spiritual things in our lives since thousand years ago? Why are we praying towards Kaabah and called it our Qiblah? The truth will only be uncovered once I left this world for real, after I die, during the afterlife, or at least during barzakh. It will be the only place where we wake up for sure and realize that this whole dunya is just a temporary training life for us to be prepared for the life in akhirah. Thinking of barzakh itself gave me goosebumps all the time.

Why was I having that kind of thought right in front of Kaabah? It was crazy I must say. I was afraid to really expose of what I thought to others all these years because it really looked like I had doubts with this religion, no? I've never really told anyone about what was actually in my mind at that time, but now I believe Allah created us humans for us to think. He gave us brain for us to analyze every single tests He sent us. He also gave us signs. Sometimes, I do believe in signs, especially when I was very close to His house.

Shortly after that tawaf, I went to join my mother and my aunt. Usually we would go back to our hotel after the sun completely rises, right after dhuha. I was sleepy, I can't remember why we were still in the mosque at that time, but I think I was waiting for my mother and my aunt at one part of the mosque. I was resting my head at one of the pillars. I guess I actually fell asleep that time. Out of nowhere, 2 guys and a lady came towards me. I was a bit surprised with their presence because there were not much people left in the mosque by that time. The cleaners were about to vacuum the carpets and clean the floors, and it was supposed to be a female praying area although there were no curtains or anything that would separate a male and female area.

One of the guy had a compact camera with him. I think they were all Turkish people. My head was still resting on the pillar. All I heard was 'Allah, Allah, Allah' and they were pinpointing towards the place were I rested my neck. I shifted my position away from the pillar, giving ways to these Turkish people to proceed with that they wanted to do. They took photos of the pillar, while I was still clueless of the current situation. As they left, I went to look at the area where they were snapping pictures, and to my surprise, Subhanallah..

A vague pattern of  الله‎ 

It doesn't really looked much like the word Allah, but at some point it does. Yeah, some people would just say it's just a common psychological phenomenon called pareidolia where according to skepdic.com it means a type of illusion or misperception involving a vague or obscure stimulus being perceived as something clear and distinct. Whatever it is, it really meant something for me that morning. Those bulging edge of the pillar and these vague words were exactly the place where I rested the back of my neck. That was when I realized I should never have any doubts anymore. The neck is where the most important nerves and blood vessels through out my body are located, connecting my brain and my body. It hit me that morning, that Allah was telling me something, an answer to the doubts I had while looking at His house. The answer to the doubts of His existence I had right in the middle of Al-Haraam. Subhanallah..

I really hope I could visit this place again soon at least once more before Hajj. My mother said that since I've been there twice it has become a fardu for me to go there again as a guest for Hajj. InsyaAllah I'll be there for Hajj. I've registered through Tabung Haji last two years and my turn would be close to 2030 but it was told that I might have a chance to be called earlier. I can't really wait till 2030 to visit there again. InsyaAllah, if Allah wants me to be there, there will be another chance for me at least once more. :) 

Electronics

I hated electronics since the very beginning I came across it, in Physics, form 4. I ended up pursuing my undergraduate studies in that field, as a minor with electrical as the major. I would say I didn't do well with my undergraduate studies.

So I took up post graduate studies, knowing that I'm not really that good with electronics, I took the course with a slight influence of manufacturing and still majoring in electrical/electronics. I did better in manufacturing courses than the electrical/electronics which was supposed to be my strength for I have studied them the past 5 years. 

I love electrical subjects more than electronics. Above all, both are the most difficult subjects ever in engineering because we can't see currents and voltages, so we only rely on the calculations itself. 

As much as I hated electronics, I did my undergraduate final year project building a transistor. It was more on microelectronics and material science. Deposited a few different metals to develop thin film, performing the test for the transistor, well it sounded like it was complicated but we didn't even know what we were doing back then. Haha. 

And now, as much as I hated electronics, I thought my master's research project would just solely be in form of software simulation using the existing commercially available circuit board. Boy I was wrong. I just learn that I need to build external circuitry, a filter, an amplifier, an excitation circuit and I don't know what else coming. Oh my, I need to buy the small electronics components, I need to do a lot of calculation, well perhaps it might be just a simple circuit to some but for me, this is major madness! 

I always feel like I can't run away from electronics. All the time. It will keep on chasing me no matter how much I hated it. 

Most of the time, we just have to face the challenges and problems. 

Hari Asyura

Hari Asyura dah lepas, tapi saya hanya nak rekod peristiwa yang berlaku pada hari asyura. Yang ni copy from internet je. Artikel ni selalunya datang sekali ngn amalan dan fadilat dia..tapi saya rasa fadilat tu macam bidaah je. Macam ada satu amalan ni, suruh baca satu ayat, fadilatnya tidak akan mati pada tahun ini. hurm, patutnye kite taktahu pun bila kite akan mati. Kenape bleh ada fadilat camtu kan? Tapi takpe, hanya nak rekod peristiwa je. Saya dah lupe byk, haritu puasa dua hari, saya pegi tanya abang saya ape yang byk sgt terjadi pada hari ni? Baru teringat nak buat kajian hari ni..


Peristiwa-peristiwa penting:
 1 Muharam – Khalifah Umar Al-Khattab mula membuat penetapan kiraan bulan dalam Hijrah.

 10 Muharam – Dinamakan juga hari ‘Asyura’. Pada hari itu banyak terjadi peristiwa penting yang mencerminkan kegemilangan bagi perjuangan yang gigih dan tabah bagi menegakkan keadilan dan kebenaran. Pada 10 Muharam juga telah berlaku:
1. Nabi Adam bertaubat kepada Allah.
2. Nabi Idris diangkat oleh Allah ke langit.
3. Nabi Nuh diselamatkan Allah keluar dari perahunya sesudah bumi ditenggelamkan selama enam bulan.
4. Nabi Ibrahim diselamatkan Allah dari pembakaran Raja Namrud.
5. Allah menurunkan kitab Taurat kepada Nabi Musa.
6. Nabi Yusuf dibebaskan dari penjara.
7. Penglihatan Nabi Yaakob yang kabur dipulihkkan Allah.
8. Nabi Ayub dipulihkan Allah dari penyakit kulit yang dideritainya.
9. Nabi Yunus selamat keluar dari perut ikan paus setelah berada di dalamnya selama 40 hari 40 malam.
10.Laut Merah terbelah dua untuk menyelamatkan Nabi Musa dan pengikutnya dari tentera Firaun
11.Kesalahan Nabi Daud diampuni Allah.
12.Nabi Sulaiman dikurniakan Allah kerajaan yang besar.
13.Hari pertama Allah menciptakan alam.
14.Hari Pertama Allah menurunkan rahmat.
15.Hari pertama Allah menurunkan hujan.
16.Allah menjadikan ‘Arasy.
17.Allah menjadikan Luh Mahfuz.
18.Allah menjadikan alam.
19.Allah menjadikan Malaikat Jibril.
20.Nabi Isa diangkat ke langit.

Bersyukurlah & Muhasabah Diri

 Sesungguhnya pada ketika ini saya berasakan bahawa saya sudah lama tidak bermuhasabah diri. Saya rasa saya semakin menjauhi daripada perkara yang sepatutnya : mendekati-Nya. Janganlah harap di bulan Ramadhan sahaja. Ibadah selama ini pun dilakukan sekadar cukup2 sahaja, tu pun kadang2 ada juga terlompong sedikit. Sesungguhnya juga, saya sudah lama tidak membaca ayat-ayat Allah even di bulan Ramadhan ini kerana terlalu sibuk dengan kerja. Sekadar mendengar bacaan ketika terawikh sahaja, itu pun kadang2 fikiran melayang teringatkan kerja, atau apa2 sahajalah perkara lain. Haish, tak kusyuk! Saya selalu bercita-cita sahaja untuk membaca Al-Quran tetapi hakikatnya itu hanya sekadar niat yang tidak ditunaikan. Bila nak berubah nih? Sebenarnya jika ada kemahuan sepatutnya boleh dicari jalan. Korbankan lah waktu tidur ke, atau apa2 sahajalah. Boleh saja. Tapi, tah laaahhh.

Semalam saya bercakap dengan Ayah, sebenarnya perkara ini berada di dalam benak fikiran saya untuk beberapa ketika sudah. Pernahkah kita terfikir jika kita hidup di zaman awal kedatangan Islam, adakah kita akan tergolong dalam golongan yang akan menerima agama Islam itu, atau adekah kita akan menjadi penentang yang tegar? Masa Rasulullah nak preach kita dengan ayat-ayat Allah, adekah saya akan tergolong dalam orang2 yang akan mempercayainya? Ok, mungkin kalau golongan yang ahli kitab pada ketika itu mungkin dah tau akan kedatangan nabi terakhir, so mungkin mereka boleh mempercayainya. Tapi, bayangkan kalu saya hidup dari golongan arab jahiliyah dulu tu, yang sembah berhala semua, macam mana agaknya. Rugilah kalau saya menjadi penentang. Yang menjadi orang yang menutup telinga ketika Rasulullah berdakwah. Yalah, mereka semua sudah biasa dengan kehidupan begitu, tapi tiba2 datang seorang dari golongan mereka yang cuba mengubah cara hidup mereka secara total, tidakkan itu menimbulkan kemarahan? Bayangkan kalau kitalah 'mereka'. Apakah penerimaan kita ya? Adakah kita akan jadi seperti Umar Al Khattab yang pada mulanya menentang habis2an tapi tiba2 hatinya terus menjadi lembut setelah mendengar kalimah Allah? 

Ya Allah, bersyukurlah aku dilahirkan sebagai Muslim. Ok, takpayah cakap pasal zaman Rasulullah sahaja, zaman ini pun, kalau saya tidak dilahirkan sebagai seorang Islam, adakah akan terbuka hati saya untuk menerima Islam? Sedangkan yang dilahirkan Islam pun sudah ramai yang terpesong, adakah hidayah akan diberikan kepada saya? 

Tapi, seIslam saya pun, banyak lagi yang kurang dalam diri saya. Saya tahu saya masih lagi tidak menutup aurat dengan sempurna, ibadah saya masih kurang, dan banyak lagi lah yang kurang dan tidak sempurna. Baca Al-Quran pun jarang sekali, and kalau baca tapi tak faham maksud pun takde maknanya. Bila kah masanya saya akan berubah?  

Haish, buku agama pun dah lama tak baca. Sejarah rasul dan agama pun banyak dah lupa. Teringat balik zaman sekolah rendah agama, pernah belajar kot semua benda ni, mastered semua jugak. Tapi sekarang? Sibuk sangat ke nak rewind balik?