Allah Knows Best

Sometimes, when we want something so badly and the thing is good for us, Allah will show us the way and made it easy, but when the thing we want so badly isn't going to bring any good for us, He won't make it that easy and after a while He might just take that away. Sometimes too, the good thing might not be that easy and He wanted to test and see if we tried hard enough so things will be difficult at first and then He will made it at ease later.

2012 is ending soon. It has been a year with a lot of challenges and a year with a lot of lessons. I have learnt a lot this whole year. From coping with emotional difficulties to being closer to Allah. I guess the main point is  how I tried to strengthen my faith with all the tests He gave me. I am still in a long journey to be a good and a better muslimah but I am already trying to change bit by bit this year. It has been a good transformation Alhamdulillah. Yeap, everything happened this year.

I am hoping for a better year in 2013. InsyaAllah, if everything is going to be smooth till late January, it will be a good start for 2013.

The Guest

I am nowhere close to a scholar to talk about Islamic issue, and I know I still have a long way to go to complete myself, but I've decided now to exclusively write things related to this spiritual search of mine rather than the usual ramblings I normally had. Hehe. 

The last time I went to Makkah in 2008, I was rather a little bit shaky with my faith of the whole religion thingy. Yeap, it was quite embarrassing to be having that kind of feelings when I was again invited to be a guest to that special place for the second time. No, I did not go astray, I was still an average practicing Muslimah, but my faith was rather a little bit shaky at that point of life. I was 22.

It was the time when this one book about comparative religion went famous. Can't really recall the title now. She, yes if I'm not mistaken the author was a she, discussed about all of the Abrahamic religions in one book. The author of course is a Christian. It wasn't really a religious book I think, more of a simple reading and I was once drawn to buy the book, but was afraid it would shake my faith more than it already was so I decided not to and just let my mind wander itself about this whole religion issue.

I went on for the Umrah with my parents, brother, uncle and aunt. Our umrah group with the agent was just us and another man who came alone. It was rather a small group, more like a private small umrah group. Usually people would have larger group where they traveled mostly by a huge bus, but there was just the 7 of us, traveling with a van.

When I think of it by now, I regretted for not having that whole hearted feeling when I was there, I could have taken that chance to really appreciate my time being so close to a sacred place, but I didn't think I did it whole heartedly. Alhamdulillah, I managed to perform umrah for 7 times throughout my stay there, but although I did that much it was rather more to following what my group did than having the utmost sincere faith of performing umrah.

Masjidil Haram consists of 2 roofed floors and one open aired floor back then during my first visit in 1999, and in 2008 they were constructing the 3rd floor for Sa'ie. I've never been on the 3rd floor of the mosque complex though because it was closed most of the time except for Hajj season or Ramadhan month. In 2008 was when the massive reconstruction was going on in order to increase the capacity of Masjidil Haraam to cater more pilgrimage at one time. Things have changed a lot since my first visit for sure. Back then in 1999 there were still a very significant slope and rocks to mark the Safa' and Marwah hills, but in 2008, the rocks were definitely gone, and there were just some slope with lots of signboards to ensure everyone follows their route correctly. The floor in 1999 at Sa'ie was hard marble tiles, but during my visit in 2008, the Sai'e area went  under construction so the floor was just a plain grey cement waiting to be finished. The second floor of Sa'ie was closed and the escalator area connecting the levels were dusty due to the construction. Even the Bab As-Salam was closed at that time due to the massive reconstruction of the whole surrounding area around Al-Haraam. Our hotel area and some souq back in 1999 were completely demolished to make room for the expanded Al-Haraam complex. A very surprising change would be the closing of Zamzam well entrance close to the floors of Kaabah. I used to visit the well area a lot back then, although I can't really see the well from the female area but I kept on coming back to perform my wudhu' in a closed area and to have a sip of the refreshing Zamzam water straight from the well. I guess things changed a lot after 9 years.

In one of the days where we decided not to perform umrah, I did tawaf sunat after Fajr prayer at the second floor of the mosque. I tried to keep my shoulder so that it would be aligned with Kaabah but my eyes were looking at that huge velvety black cloth covered box shaped structure we called our Qiblah. At that time, I was still having that shaky faith of mine. I tried to fight with that negative feelings I had and I tried to concentrate, but the thoughts still mingled in my mind while doing tawaf after I've finished reciting all of the du'as. My thoughts were, what if, when I die one day, things that I thought were the truth, isn't really the truth after all? Why is it that we have this common Abrahamic religion, we had almost similar stories in our books, in our histories, but why did we all went separate ways? Those practising Christians might think they were the right religion, so as the Jews. Is this really the right religion? Is the God of my religion the one I should commit to? What if religion overall is just something made up? Is there really a God out there? Why are we having all these spiritual things in our lives since thousand years ago? Why are we praying towards Kaabah and called it our Qiblah? The truth will only be uncovered once I left this world for real, after I die, during the afterlife, or at least during barzakh. It will be the only place where we wake up for sure and realize that this whole dunya is just a temporary training life for us to be prepared for the life in akhirah. Thinking of barzakh itself gave me goosebumps all the time.

Why was I having that kind of thought right in front of Kaabah? It was crazy I must say. I was afraid to really expose of what I thought to others all these years because it really looked like I had doubts with this religion, no? I've never really told anyone about what was actually in my mind at that time, but now I believe Allah created us humans for us to think. He gave us brain for us to analyze every single tests He sent us. He also gave us signs. Sometimes, I do believe in signs, especially when I was very close to His house.

Shortly after that tawaf, I went to join my mother and my aunt. Usually we would go back to our hotel after the sun completely rises, right after dhuha. I was sleepy, I can't remember why we were still in the mosque at that time, but I think I was waiting for my mother and my aunt at one part of the mosque. I was resting my head at one of the pillars. I guess I actually fell asleep that time. Out of nowhere, 2 guys and a lady came towards me. I was a bit surprised with their presence because there were not much people left in the mosque by that time. The cleaners were about to vacuum the carpets and clean the floors, and it was supposed to be a female praying area although there were no curtains or anything that would separate a male and female area.

One of the guy had a compact camera with him. I think they were all Turkish people. My head was still resting on the pillar. All I heard was 'Allah, Allah, Allah' and they were pinpointing towards the place were I rested my neck. I shifted my position away from the pillar, giving ways to these Turkish people to proceed with that they wanted to do. They took photos of the pillar, while I was still clueless of the current situation. As they left, I went to look at the area where they were snapping pictures, and to my surprise, Subhanallah..

A vague pattern of  الله‎ 

It doesn't really looked much like the word Allah, but at some point it does. Yeah, some people would just say it's just a common psychological phenomenon called pareidolia where according to skepdic.com it means a type of illusion or misperception involving a vague or obscure stimulus being perceived as something clear and distinct. Whatever it is, it really meant something for me that morning. Those bulging edge of the pillar and these vague words were exactly the place where I rested the back of my neck. That was when I realized I should never have any doubts anymore. The neck is where the most important nerves and blood vessels through out my body are located, connecting my brain and my body. It hit me that morning, that Allah was telling me something, an answer to the doubts I had while looking at His house. The answer to the doubts of His existence I had right in the middle of Al-Haraam. Subhanallah..

I really hope I could visit this place again soon at least once more before Hajj. My mother said that since I've been there twice it has become a fardu for me to go there again as a guest for Hajj. InsyaAllah I'll be there for Hajj. I've registered through Tabung Haji last two years and my turn would be close to 2030 but it was told that I might have a chance to be called earlier. I can't really wait till 2030 to visit there again. InsyaAllah, if Allah wants me to be there, there will be another chance for me at least once more. :) 

Electronics

I hated electronics since the very beginning I came across it, in Physics, form 4. I ended up pursuing my undergraduate studies in that field, as a minor with electrical as the major. I would say I didn't do well with my undergraduate studies.

So I took up post graduate studies, knowing that I'm not really that good with electronics, I took the course with a slight influence of manufacturing and still majoring in electrical/electronics. I did better in manufacturing courses than the electrical/electronics which was supposed to be my strength for I have studied them the past 5 years. 

I love electrical subjects more than electronics. Above all, both are the most difficult subjects ever in engineering because we can't see currents and voltages, so we only rely on the calculations itself. 

As much as I hated electronics, I did my undergraduate final year project building a transistor. It was more on microelectronics and material science. Deposited a few different metals to develop thin film, performing the test for the transistor, well it sounded like it was complicated but we didn't even know what we were doing back then. Haha. 

And now, as much as I hated electronics, I thought my master's research project would just solely be in form of software simulation using the existing commercially available circuit board. Boy I was wrong. I just learn that I need to build external circuitry, a filter, an amplifier, an excitation circuit and I don't know what else coming. Oh my, I need to buy the small electronics components, I need to do a lot of calculation, well perhaps it might be just a simple circuit to some but for me, this is major madness! 

I always feel like I can't run away from electronics. All the time. It will keep on chasing me no matter how much I hated it. 

Most of the time, we just have to face the challenges and problems.